Coming Out to Your Family and Friends

If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning, you may struggle with the decision whether to come out to your friends and family. Coming out is one of the hardest things someone can do. Telling your loved ones can definitely have its rewards – sharing such important, personal information about yourself can strengthen your relationship with them and may even deepen their trust in you. But it’s not always easy and some family and friends react poorly. It is important to remember that you shouldn’t feel pressured or scared to come out or stay in the closet. Everybody’s story is different, always listen to yourself. You know what is right for you.

If you are going to coming out, here are a few things to consider:

If you think that you might be asked to leave your home, ask friends or family in advance if you are able to stay with them. You can contact The Alliance for GLBTQ Youth for more information and support.

If you have fears about being kicked out, you might want to consider waiting until you are financially stable before talking openly with your family.

Stay in school no matter what!!! Life does get better and your education is key for survival. The Alliance can help you stay in your school or get you into one that’s safe.

Get support…you don’t have to do this alone! There are resources available and The Alliance can help connect you to them.

(More) Questions to Ask Yourself

Are you sure about your sexual orientation or gender identity?
Don’t raise the issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the question, “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase your parents’ or friends’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.

Are you comfortable with your sexuality or gender identity?
If you’re wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you’ll be better off waiting. Coming out may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.

Do you have support?
In case your parents’ or friends’ reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.

Are you knowledgeable about sexual orientation or gender identity?
Your parents or friends will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic and transphobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the subject, you’ll be able to help them by sharing reliable information.

What’s the emotional climate at home or school?
If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when your family isn’t dealing with extremely stressful stuff like the death of a close relative, pending surgery, the loss of a job or home. And consider your safety at school – are you being bullied, in an important year for your grades, have an ally in the faculty or administration? Your emotional and physical safety is always important. 

Can you be patient?
Your parents or friends will require time to deal with this information if they haven’t considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to years. Everyone is different.

What’s your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with not sharing an important part of yourself. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your identity as a weapon. It will be harder to get support later.

Do you have available resources?
Sexual orientation or gender identity is a subject most non-GLBTQ people don’t have to think about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays(PFLAG), the name of a non-GLBTQ counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.

Are you financially dependent on your parents?
If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.

What is your general relationship with your parents?
If you’ve gotten along well and have always known their love — and shared your love for them in return, chances are they’ll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.

What is their moral societal view?
If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality or gender identity. If, however, they have showed you a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.

Is this your decision?
Not everyone should come out to his or her parents. Don’t be pressured into it if you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so – no matter what their response.