Learning that a loved one identifies as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender queer or questioning can range from feelings of sadness to guilt to fear to confusion to a million other emotions. It’s a difficult process that is completely normal, and shared by many parents throughout the world when their youth comes out to them. The Alliance Family Specialist meets directly with families to facilitate communication and strengthen relationships. The Family Specialist also facilitates family support groups with collaboration from PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays). Our goal is to empower families. If you are interested in meeting other parents or attending a support group, please contact us at (305) 899-8087.

Stages of the Family Experience

The following is a list of typical stages families experience when their loved one comes out to them. Keep in mind that all families are unique, and respond to change in their own way. This information is meant to support your family through the coming out process.

STAGE 1: SHOCK

Shock is a natural reaction that we all experience (and need for a while) to avoid acute distress and unpleasantness. It may last anywhere from 10 minutes to a week; usually it wears off in a few days.

Your youth might have been struggling to get to the point to come out. Often people think long and hard before coming out. They fear rejection and are encouraged to be confident about their identity before sharing it because it can be such a distressing process.

Remember that your youth is still the same person today that they were yesterday. They haven’t changed; you just learned something new about them.

 STAGE 2: DENIAL

Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It is different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defense mechanism to ward it off. Denial responses take many forms: hostility (“No son of mine is going to be queer.”), non-registering (“That’s nice, dear; what do you want for dinner?”), non-caring (“If you choose that lifestyle, I don’t want to hear about it.”), or rejection (“It’s just a phase; you’ll get over it.”).

According to statistics, one in every ten people in this country and around the world is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Approximately one in four families has an immediate family member who is GLBT, and most people have at least one GLBT individual in their extended family and friends. Although identifying as GLBT may not be the norm, it is quite normal and natural.

STAGE 3: GUILT

Most people who deal with non-heterosexual or transgender identity initially perceive it as a “problem” and ask: “What causes it?” They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind. The truth is nothing causes someone to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning. It’s not the cause of the lack of a specific gender parent or any other parenting practice. There are different theories, including physiology, but the origins of homosexuality are still unknown.

An excellent book is Now That You Know; What Every Parent Should Know About Homosexuality, by Fairchild and Hayward; Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1979. If you are interested in additional resources or would like to speak with someone, please contact The Alliance at (305) 899-8087. We would be happy to help you or link you to other parents for support.

STAGE 4: FEELINGS EXPRESSED

When it’s clear that guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions, listen to answers, and acknowledge their feelings. This is the point at which some of the most productive dialogue between families and their youths take place. Naturally, the full range of feelings will emerge and the following thoughts are common: “I’m disappointed that I won’t have any grandchildren.” “Please don’t tell anyone in the family; I’m not ready to face this issue with anyone else.” “I feel so alone and hurt; I believe I was better off not knowing.” “How can you hurt us this way?” “I wish I were dead.”

And since living in a homophobic and transphobic society, your youth probably has experienced many of the same feelings: isolation, fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, fear of the future, etc. Families can share in the similarities of their experiences and feelings. Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings. In order for parents to make progress it is better speak their feeling than bury them and attempt to deny their existence. Now may be a good time to read some literature of talk to other parents. Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG) is a wonderful organization supporting families; it might be helpful to attend a group. The Alliance facilitates several groups throughout Miami-Dade County – reach out to us at (305) 899.8087 if you’re interested. When families begin to express these feelings they’re on the road to recovery.

STAGE 5: MAKING DECISIONS

As the emotional trauma subsides, families will increasingly deal more rationally with the issue. It’s common at this point for them to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead. It’s like reaching a fork in the road that has a number of paths from which to choose. The choice each person makes is a reflection of the attitude he or she is ready to adopt in dealing with the situation.

Both parents may not necessarily choose to take the same path. A number of factors will influence which path is chosen. Reading about sexual orientation or gender identity and talking to other parents will probably aid them to take a more supportive position. Their religious orientation will play an important part. The general liberal or conservative position individual usually hold will also have some bearing. The importance of the restoration of their relationship with their loved one is a major factor. A variety of factors will affect them as they formulate a compatible posture for dealing with this.

Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say, “I love you,” to accept the reality of the child’s sexual orientation or gender identity and to be supportive. In fact, now that the relationship between parents and child is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say their relationship is better than it ever was. All parties begin to feel better about what has happened.

Sometimes parents respond by making it clear it’s an issue that no longer requires discussion. Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it. They have progressed this far and wish to go no further.

In some instances your sexual orientation or gender identity can be the staging area for constant warfare. Everything your loved one does and says is viewed as a symptom of their “problem.” As long as this condition exists, both parent and child are in a no-win position. Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it. Most parents who attend a parents’ meeting or who enter into personal conversation with a supportive parent greatly increase the chance that they’ll not remain negative.

A word about relapses is important. Problem-solving and changing personal attitudes often can be diagrammed as two steps forward and one backward. It’s not at all uncommon for families to slip back a step or two to go over an issue already addressed. Be patient and allow them time to rework it; it’s the way change usually comes about.

STAGE 6: TRUE ACCEPTANCE

Some parents get this far, some do not. Most may love their child without finally accepting the child’s identity. Many reach the point where they can also celebrate their child’s uniqueness.

Regardless of where you are in this journey, know that you are not alone.

(This information was adapted from OutProud at www.outproud.org.)