What Does It Mean to Be Gay?

Males who call themselves gay are sexually attracted to and fall in love with other males. Their sexual feelings toward males are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge when they are boys, and the feelings continue throughout life. Although some gay men may also be attracted to women, they usually say that their attraction to men is stronger and more important to them. Some experts estimate that about one in 10 people in the world may be gay or lesbian (lesbians are females who are attracted to other females.) This means that in any large group of people, there are usually several gay or lesbian people present. However, no one can tell whether someone is gay unless he or she wants it known. Gay people blend right in with other people, but they often feel different from other people. Gay teenagers may not be able to specify just why they feel different. They may notice that all of the guys they know seem to be attracted to girls. So, gay teens don’t always know where they fit in, and they may not feel comfortable talking with adults about their feelings

How Do I Know if I’m Gay?

For as long as I can remember, I’d always felt different from other kids. Around the age of 11, I started having random sexual feelings for people of both genders. I read some sex-ed books and figured that my feelings were part of a phase and would pass. I didn’t realize until I was 15 that it was my feelings for girls that were part of a phase that passed. – “Diablo”, age 18

I was slow realizing that what I felt was homosexual. Since about the sixth grade I hadn’t allowed myself to think about guys in a sexual manner because I knew it was wrong. It was sometime in the 10th grade when I realized that I am what I am and there is nothing wrong with me. – Joseph, age 16

You may not know what to call your sexual feelings. You don’t have to rush to decide how to identify right now. Sexual identity develops over time. Most adolescent boys are intensely sexual during the years around puberty (usually between 11 and 15 years old), when the body starts changing and hormones are flowing. Your sexual feelings may be so strong that they are not directed toward particular people or situations but seem to emerge without cause. As you get older, you will figure out who really attracts you. Boys with truly gay feelings find that, over time, their attraction to boys and men gets more and more clearly focused. You may find yourself falling in love with a classmate or developing a crush on a particular adult man. You may find these experiences pleasurable, troubling, or a mix of the two. By age 16 or 17, some gay youth begin thinking about what to call themselves, while others need more clarity on the subject. If you think you might be gay, here are some questions you might ask yourself:

• When I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls?

• Have I ever had a crush on or been in love with a guy?

• Do I feel different than the other guys?

• Are my feelings for guys clear?

If your answers to these questions are not clear, don’t worry. In time you will be more certain of your sexual identity. Only you can say your identity!

Am I Normal?

I felt a relief, a … lessening of the sensation of total isolation and loneliness … and definitely a feeling of release to finally be able to talk freely about homosexuality. – Marie, age 18

Yes, you are absolutely normal!! Many people are gay. Do you want to learn more? Start by reading. If you feel comfortable, ask the librarian in the Young Adult section of your public library. Librarians are usually glad to help. Librarians operate under a strict code of ethics and are legally obliged to guard the privacy of all patrons, including minors. If your public library does not have much on sexuality, the reference librarian can request good books and journal articles through interlibrary loan. Or, you may want to check out the GLBTQ section of a large bookstore. However, be aware that not all books about gay people are supportive. And there is a lot of discriminatory and mis-information out there.

Advocates for Youth has websites by and for young gay people, www.youthresource.com and www.ambientejoven.org. More than 15,000 gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth visit them each month; most of them visit repeatedly. Most major cities also have a gay hotline, and you might want to call it. A good hotline counselor will let you talk about your feelings and will direct you to organizations that help gay people. There may even be a gay youth group in your area. There are gay people wherever you are. Sooner or later you will meet someone who feels some of the same things you do and has had similar experiences.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

How Do I Learn to Accept My Identity?

I think what helps me the most is being able to accept who I am as a person — knowing my goals, my hopes, my feelings about life. The most beautiful benefit is being able then to accept my orientation. – Tyson, age 17

The most beneficial resource to me is my friends. Their support has helped me through rough times and made my good times even brighter. I share my innermost worries and, in turn, get a glimpse of theirs, thus seeing that I am not alone in what I face. I feel that being open and honest with myself and with others helps me learn even more about myself. – Kip, age 18

It’s not easy to discover that you are gay. Many people are uncomfortable being around lesbians and gay men, and some people hate lesbians and gay men. It’s no wonder if some gay youth might choose to hide gay feelings from others. You might feel this way; you might even be tempted to hide these feelings from yourself. You may worry about people finding out about how you feel. Maybe you avoid other youth who may be gay because you worry about what other people will think.

Working this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called “being in the closet.” It is a painful and lonely place to be, especially if you stay there in order to survive. It takes a lot of energy to deny your feelings, and denial can be costly. You may have tried using alcohol or other drugs to numb yourself against your feelings and your worries. You may have considered suicide. If you have considered suicide, it’s important to know that you are not alone. Please call our local Switchboard of Miami GLBT Suicide Awareness Initiative hotline (305) 646-3600 available 24/7 (trilingual staff will be ready to assist in English, Spanish, and Creole). Or contact The Trevor Project, a national LGBT youth suicide prevention hotline (866) 488-7386. You and your feelings are valuable, and you have alternatives to denial.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

Whom Should I Tell?

The time in which each person decides to “come out” is completely up to him and should in no way be a decision made by someone else. Youth who feel the desire to talk with others about their feelings should find a place where they feel safe. – Chris, age 21

The people who bring the most positive results from telling are just the people who accept it, and who don’t only say it’s OK, but show they mean it by the way they treat you. –Marie, age 18

It makes you feel a lot better to get it all out, I’ll tell you. You shouldn’t try to pretend to be someone you are not. You can keep your love life private, but your sexuality is as much a part of you as your skin.— Ethan, age 16

More and more gay youth are learning to feel better about themselves. As you start to listen to your deepest feelings and learn more about what being gay means, you will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality. This is the process called “coming out.” The first step in coming out is to tell yourself that you are gay and to say, “That’s OK. I’m OK.” Later you may want to tell someone else — someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic. You might choose a friend your own age, a sibling, a parent, or other adult. Some gay youth are able to come out to their families. Others are not. Start slow with someone you trust, and the rest will unfold as it should.

In the beginning, be cautious about whom you tell, but be honest with yourself. Just as self-denial costs you, coming out will pay off. When gay youth accept their sexuality, most say they feel calmer, happier, and more confident.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

How Can I Find Other Guys Like Me?

I was thrilled the first time I saw someone wearing a pride pin and was able to get some information from her. The first time that I went to a gay group, it was, quite simply, a relief. – Matt, age 16

Many schools have GSAs (Gay Straight Alliances) organizations on campus; these groups are inclusive of all GLBTQ people. Check with your school activities advisor. The Alliance facilitates GLBTQ support groups at many Miami-Dade County schools – if your school doesn’t have one and you want one, talk to your TRUST Counselor or Sexual Minority Youth Liaison about getting one starting or give us a call at (305) 899-8087.