What Does It Mean to Be Lesbian?

Lesbians are females who love females. Lesbians are sexually attracted to other females and their sexual feelings toward other females are normal and natural for them. Lesbians feel emotionally and spiritually closer to women and prefer intimate relationships with women. Experts estimate than about one out of 10 people may be lesbian or gay, and many historically famous women were lesbians. There are women that identify as lesbian in every culture, every religion, every socioeconomic class, every race, every profession, every age, and all throughout history. They are mothers, sisters, athletes, aunts, friends, class mates, leaders. But they often feel different from other people. Lesbian teenagers may not be able to specify just why they feel different. They may notice that all of the girls they know seem to be attracted to guys. So, lesbian teens don’t always know where they fit in, and they may not feel comfortable talking with adults about their feelings.

How Do I Know if I’m Lesbian?

I had always been attracted to girls. I remember having crushes [on girls] since the third grade though I didn’t consider myself a lesbian. In the third grade, I didn’t even know what a lesbian was. It didn’t dawn on me until the seventh grade that… hey, I’m a lesbian. – Kristine, age 16

Well, knowing was never the question. It was accepting it that was [the question]. I started being attracted to girls at age seven, so I knew that I wasn’t straight. It just took me a while to say to myself, I’m a lesbian and I’m okay. – Lenore, age 16

During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings and to take an interest in dating. Many young women feel physically attracted to men. But other young women feel physically attracted to women. You may notice that you feel “turned on” by other women. You may feel different from your girlfriends, like you don’t fit in sometimes. When your girlfriends are checking out the guys, you may find yourself checking out other women. Going out with men may not interest you. You may find yourself wondering, “Why there aren’t any men like these terrific women I keep meeting?”

You may also feel confused or unsure about whether or not you’re a lesbian. You may feel confused because you’re attracted to both men and women, and that’s okay. Some women have relationships with both men and women throughout their lives. Some women eventually decide to be exclusively lesbian or exclusively heterosexual. Sexuality usually develops over time, so don’t worry if you aren’t sure.

Am I Normal?

People tend to focus on the sex part of homosexuality … that’s what they picture. They don’t understand that there is love involved, too. Whoever you fall in love with, that is normal sexuality. Normal is in the eye of the beholder. –Kristine, age 16

Normal is different for every individual. I cannot dictate someone else’s life, body, or anything else by my standards. I tend to laugh at people who are close-minded. Also, I speak up in school when anyone makes the slightest homophobic comment. – Rachel, age 17

Yes, you are normal. Many people are lesbian. Many experts agree that a person’s sexual orientation is determined at a young age, even as early as birth. It’s normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you identify as lesbian or straight. What’s really important is learning to like yourself.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

How Do I Learn To Accept My Identity?

Talking to someone is the best help that I found. It makes you feel less alone. Movies, books, and web sites are helpful when there’s no one to ask about stuff or when you’re feeling down or embarrassed to talk about something. I use a gay and lesbian chat room; it helps me find people to talk to. – Red, age 20

It helps to learn to look inside yourself and to see that the gay part of your personality exists together with, not separate from and not in spite of, all other parts of yourself. It helps to see how everything you do or are is somehow affected by your sexual orientation. I often look back on everything that’s happened and cannot imagine not being gay. – Jessie, age 16

Everyone needs to feel good about him/herself. All people are valuable. Developing self-esteem is very important for young people, and it can be difficult for lesbian youth to feel good about themselves when many people around them believe that lesbians and gays are sick or perverted or destined to live unhappy lives. Feeling like you have to hide who you really are can make you feel like hurting yourself, taking senseless risks, using alcohol or other drugs, or attempting suicide. You may feel isolated, fearful, and depressed, especially if you don’t have anyone to talk to about being lesbian. If you have considered suicide, it’s important to know that you are not alone. Please call our local Switchboard of Miami GLBT Suicide Awareness Initiative hotline (305) 646-3600 available 24/7 (trilingual staff will be ready to assist in English, Spanish, and Creole). Or contact The Trevor Project, a national LGBT youth suicide prevention hotline (866) 488-7386. You and your feelings are valuable, and more and more young lesbians are learning to like themselves.

You can find help by reading good books by and about lesbians – books with accurate information about lesbians who are leading fulfilling lives. Meeting other lesbians helps too because then you discover that lesbians are as diverse as any other group of people and that society is full of misinformation about lesbians. You can say to yourself every day, “I’m a lesbian and I’m OK.” Check out Advocates for Youth’s web sites, www.youthresource.com and www.ambientejoven.org. These web sites are developed by and for young lesbian and gay people. Over 15,000 young gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth visit the sites each month; many visit repeatedly. You will find a community of support. Remember that it’s normal and natural to be lesbian, just like it Is normal and natural to be heterosexual.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

Whom Should I Tell?

When you feel confident, the best person to tell is the person that you believe will accept you and love you for who you are. – Lenore, age 16

There’s never a definitely good time to tell a person because telling does reconstruct someone’s view of you, liberal or not. So, it’s always a bit of a jolt to the person you inform. But, once you’ve gotten over that hump, then if they react positively, you re home free. It’s when they turn cold and don’t speak to you that you know they weren’t your friends to begin with. – Rayne, age 17

Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a lesbian and figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation. A lot of people don’t understand about lesbians, and it may be hard to know who will listen and be supportive. Some friends will accept you. Others may turn away from you or tell other people without your permission. Telling family can sometimes be difficult. Some families are highly supportive, and some are not. Start slow; choose a friend your own age, a sibling, parent, or other adult, such as a guidance counselor, social worker in your school or someone from a local counseling or youth-serving agency. It’s important to talk with someone you can trust because it’s not normal or healthy for young people to have to keep such an important part of their lives secret.

If you want to talk to someone at The Alliance, give us a call at (305) 899-8087, we are here to support you.

How Can I Find Other Women Like Me?

I finally had the nerve to go to a GLBT youth group. I don’t think I uttered even ten words for about a month. I was just in awe that there were people who felt just like me. It was a wonderful thing. – Kristine, age 16

Many schools have GSAs (Gay Straight Alliances) organizations on campus; these groups are inclusive of all GLBTQ people. Check with your school activities advisor. The Alliance facilitates GLBTQ support groups at many Miami-Dade County schools – if your school doesn’t have one and you want one, talk to your TRUST Counselor or Sexual Minority Youth Liaison about getting one starting or give us a call at (305) 899-8087.